


i knew you once

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Fluff, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sexual Abuse, not all abusive relationships are what you think, touchy subject matter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:20:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21528220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: he had never met someone like mark, someone who made him feel truly vulnerable and open, welcoming any emotions that being with mark made him feel. they trusted each other with everything and anything. it was so beautiful.but then, something shifted.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> please read this first; 
> 
> this fic is in no way intended to romanticize any sort of abuse in a relationship. i simply wanted to show a sort of unconventional abusive relationship. and in no way is this fic me saying that abusers are redeemable, because in no way are they, but with this situation, it seemed sensible for the two to make up for their miscommunication and emotional absence. 
> 
> in any case, thank you for reading! i hope you enjoy. feedback is bliss!

donghyuck knew mark once. 

he knew the mark that was unabashedly caring, would do anything for any of his friends, would lay his life down for them, no matter what. he knew the mark that was full of laughter, eyes beaming as he was doubled over cackling at some ridiculous joke donghyuck had spurt out on a whim. he knew the mark that would press kisses all over his neck and chest, where he knew donghyuck was ticklish, just to get a laugh and eventually get red and purple bruises of love to blossom on donghyuck. he knew the mark that was passionate, about so many things, the mark that was pure, and good, and fun, and lovable, and so many things. 

donghyuck and mark were like one entity. they moved in unison, and had some strange sense of telepathy between them. they were connected at the hip, spending every waking moment laughing and talking with each other, and then would always somehow end up asleep in the same bed. they loved waking up next to each other, despite the cooing and aww-ing from their hyungs. 

and when in private, they would kiss constantly. every time with just as much, if not more, passion than the first one. mark’s lips felt like home to donghyuck. they were warm, and comfortable, and surrounded donghyuck with the most true contentedness he had ever felt. 

it was more than kissing, more than a childhood friendship that had blossomed into more, it was a connection between people. 

“true soulmates,” johnny had once said, as a joke, but donghyuck took it seriously. he didn’t think he would ever find his one true soulmate until he met mark. he had never met someone like mark, someone who made him feel truly vulnerable and open, welcoming any emotions that being with mark made him feel. they trusted each other with everything and anything. it was so beautiful.

but then, something shifted.

donghyuck didn’t know if it was puberty or something, or if it was from the way mark was seemingly more religious lately, or if it was even from the way he was just getting more busy. but things were one way, and then in the blink of an eye, things were different. 

donghyuck wondered what happened to the mark he knew. 

the caring mark faded. into someone he didn’t know. this someone become hostile, pushing donghyuck away, physically or emotionally, at any given moment. his laughter turned into harsh, unamused scoffs and eye rolls. the warm, loving kisses turned into harsh, grabby make out sessions exclusively in the dark. donghyuck had no love bruises, only those left by mark’s death grip on his wrists or hips at night. he couldn’t remember the last time he heard mark’s true, hearty laugh. and now, donghyuck was sure that mark would save his own life over donghyuck’s any day. 

donghyuck never said anything to mark, though. every time they were alone, donghyuck was just being used. and for some reason, he didn’t think it was so bad. 

it wasn’t until mark started pushing donghyuck, using him in ways that made him feel gross, and guilty, did he realize that this was not his ideal situation. but he never protested and no matter what it was, he went along with it anyway. anything to please mark. anything to give donghyuck some little feeling of gratification from mark. 

donghyuck became sad. and he knew everyone could tell. 

taeyong had cornered donghyuck and mark once, asking if they were having a lover’s spat. and mark made a disgusted face, laughing it off and saying, “i would never call donghyuck my lover.” and donghyuck swallowed his pain, settling for just laughing along until taeyong walked away and it was donghyuck and mark left alone. 

donghyuck had glanced over at mark. mark looked back at him. the eye contact was nearly painful to donghyuck. he and mark used to make eye contact all the time, mostly while kissing or cuddling, but now, donghyuck knew that mark refused to look donghyuck in the eye at all anymore. 

“stop looking at me like that.” mark scoffed, walking away and bumping donghyuck’s shoulder against his as he pushes past.

donghyuck tried not to let the tears slip past his eyes.

once, jaemin caught sight of some of the worst bruises donghyuck had received from mark. they were across his sides and ribs where mark had held on as he was, for lack of a better word, using donghyuck. 

donghyuck had been changing in jaemin’s room after getting back from practice one day, trying to get his clothes on and off as quickly as possible, knowing that if jaemin caught sight of the marks all over him that he would be absolutely screwed and then. 

“woah, donghyuck, what the fuck?” jaemin had exclaimed. and donghyuck knew instantly. 

“what?” he asked, pulling the shirt down all the way and looking back at jaemin innocently. 

“were those bruises?” jaemin asked, approaching him and reaching out to grab his shirt. donghyuck was quicker though, grabbing the shirt and pulling it down so jaemin couldn’t move it. 

donghyuck felt tears in his eyes, welling up at just the mention of the bruises, as he made eye contact with a visibly concerned jaemin. 

“are you okay?” jaemin asked. donghyuck sniffled. 

_ no, _ he wanted to say. in fact, donghyuck wanted to say so many things, he wanted to spill and cry while talking about this whole shitshow of a situation he got himself into but he  _ couldn’t _ . he just couldn’t. even though jaemin was his best friend, who he had known just as long as he had known mark, there was still so much value that donghyuck still held for he and mark’s relationship that he knew he couldn’t even begin to explain how he was feeling to anyone. 

“yeah.” donghyuck replied. jaemin’s face said ‘i know that’s bullshit but you obviously don’t wanna talk about it so i won’t press anymore’. donghyuck loved jaemin for respecting him. 

“can i… see them?” jaemin murmured. and just before donghyuck could protest, he added, “i won’t tell anyone, i just— they look really bad, that’s all.” jaemin explained. 

donghyuck swallowed, before slowly lifting his shirt to reveal his sides completely covered with lines of purple and red. donghyuck closed his eyes, not wanting to see jaemin’s reaction to the bruises. they were almost sickening to look at. donghyuck knew that they were jarring. even to him, the one who had received them, they made him want to throw up. when he woke up the morning after, and first caught sight of them, he sobbed so hard in the shower and then wondered how he had let things get this bad as he was leaning over the toilet bowl, spilling his guts out to feel even a tiny bit cleaner.

“jesus christ.” jaemin finally spoke after staring at donghyuck’s body for a solid minute. donghyuck opened his eyes, a little shocked to see jaemin’s face contorted in what seemed to be anger.

jaemin swallowed, harshly, before making eye contact with donghyuck. “i’m going to beat the shit out of him.”

donghyuck’s stomach dropped.  _ jaemin knew it was mark. _

“no.” donghyuck immediately said, jaemin furrowing his brow, obviously confused at how donghyuck would be defending mark after he did something like this. “he’s just… struggling. that’s all. i am okay.” donghyuck added. he really wished that statement was true.

“if you’re going to sit here and defend him just because you want to think the old mark will come back, you need to grow up.” jaemin snapped. donghyuck blinked. so he wasn’t the only one who had noticed the difference in mark. “mark’s in his asshole stage of life right now. we hope it ends, but until then, you need to get the hell away from him. i know, and i know you know, that he’s using you as some sort of relief because he knows he’s gay but refuses to admit it.”

donghyuck’s jaw fell open, shocked that jaemin had realized so much of what was going on between the two. and he was also shocked at the fact that he caught on to mark’s new adamantly-not-gay behavior. if another guy got even  _ close  _ to mark, he would laugh and push them away, saying ‘ew, dude’. 

and donghyuck knew that he was mark’s secret. mark’s way to get some sort of relief. but donghyuck was still a boy. and in mark’s head, that was a no no. so, whenever they did anything, it was in the dark. and it was never romantic anymore. in any way. before, mark would whisper into donghyuck’s ear how beautiful he was and that he loved him. before, the only bruises he would give donghyuck were from his lips onto the most intimate, close places of donghyuck’s skin.

and now, donghyuck would melt if mark told him he enjoyed himself or that donghyuck did good. it was close enough to a compliment, it showed just the minimum amount of acknowledgement towards donghyuck that it had him feeling good about himself for days. and now, donghyuck let mark bruise him wherever. even if donghyuck knew that the bruises were harsh, even if they hurt, and even if he knew that they were no longer out of love, it was close enough. and that’s all donghyuck needed.

donghyuck glanced back at jaemin. “he still loves me. somewhere in there. and i love him.” 

jaemin’s eyes shifted, from anger into… almost sympathy. “you want to believe that. and whatever mark is going through does not give him any excuse to treat you or any of us the way he has been recently. and i know you have it worse. i know he probably does things that you’d never tell me. so at one point, you need to stop lying to yourself.” 

donghyuck desperately tried to ignore jaemin’s words. he wanted so badly to continue living in his little shelter of false hope, taking everything mark said or did with a grain of salt, and praying as he guiltily cried himself to sleep that mark would just go back to normal. 

so, that’s what he did. he chose to defend mark. again. he wish he knew why. 

“you know nothing about me and mark’s relationship.” donghyuck snapped. he knew this wasn’t true. to be honest, donghyuck thought that jaemin knew more about him and mark’s relationship than he did. but he put on an act. because somewhere inside him was the donghyuck who loved the old mark. and he wanted to crawl his way out, wanted to love mark in all the ways he knew new mark would never allow. 

“so why don’t you just mind your fucking business.” donghyuck added. he saw a flash of hurt in jaemin’s eyes. and he chose to ignore it.

after donghyuck said that, jaemin began to turn away. “he isn’t good for you, hyuck.” the nickname jaemin used for him struck a nerve deep within donghyuck.  _ hyuck  _ was what mark had called him when they were mutually in love. now, the only nickname he could get out of mark was ‘brat’. 

donghyuck dropped his shirt, his bruises and any emotional vulnerability going back into hiding. he was left alone in the room as jaemin walked out and shut the door behind him. 

donghyuck didn’t know when he had started crying, but as he looked in the mirror and saw that face, tear-streaked and looking more unfamiliar than ever, he collapsed to the floor, burying his face in his hands and sobbing as he felt his heart breaking yet again.

-

something had gotten into donghyuck after his conversation with jaemin. he didn’t know if he was just delusional from the dehydration of crying daily, or if he was miraculously gaining courage, but donghyuck decided to voice his worries to mark himself. 

donghyuck had been sitting next to mark on the couch, the two of them left alone in the living room after the hyungs went to bed, watching some anime, when donghyuck had brought it up. “i just… uh- noticed that you’re getting a little distant from me and our relationship and i just wanted to—“

“woah, our relationship?” mark cut him off, looking over with a confused look on his face, and donghyuck froze in place at what mark’s voice was implying. it struck a nerve. but what mark said next was one thousand times worse. “dude, uh… i’m not gay. we don’t have a relationship.”

now, to donghyuck, this statement was not only extremely unconvincing and confusing, it was painful as hell. now he knew, for a fact, that mark didn’t consider what he and donghyuck had to be anything special or notable. 

“but we, y’know… do stuff.” donghyuck responded, and noticed a tiny flinch in mark’s eyes, and donghyuck knew the  _ hurt _ he felt was audible through his statement. mark blinked at him.

“we kiss. and help each other out when a friend needs a hand. that’s not a relationship, donghyuck. it never was. and i’m  _ not  _ gay.” mark responded, a tiny hint of anger in his voice. 

donghyuck nearly had a physical response at the way mark had enunciated specifically on saying that he was not gay. it made him feel some sort of pain, deep within him, knowing that mark no longer felt that way about him. 

donghyuck also noticed how mark had said they help each other out. he almost wanted to laugh at how that was purely  _ bullshit _ . donghyuck knew he was the one that mark was using to help himself out. donghyuck still so clearly recalled one time, while having sex, he had placed his hand on mark’s neck, holding on to him, and mark had removed his hand, muttering, “that’s too much out of you.” mark only wanted donghyuck to lay there and obey. so that’s what he always did. 

but instead of snapping back, donghyuck remembered old mark. and he was hurt because he knew that whoever he was talking to now wasn’t the mark that loved him. but he knew the mark that loved him was in there. he just knew. 

“oh.” was all donghyuck murmured in response. he began to wonder about what caused this shift in mark. he noticed, of course, whenever mark began to only kiss him in the dark. he noticed when mark stopped complimenting him, instead went for harsh jabs at what he knew would hurt donghyuck’s feelings. and, the worst of all, he noticed that mark only came to donghyuck’s room when he was bored and in need of an easy way to get off. 

donghyuck let out a quiet, airy chuckle to himself. that’s what he had become.  _ easy.  _

for some reason, that thought, the way he had become  _ easy  _ was enough for donghyuck to feel different about this whole thing. 

lee donghyuck was many things. he was beautiful, he was fierce, he was hilarious, he was himself, but he most definitely would never be  _ easy _ for anyone. and on that note, he’d never be someone’s  _ toy _ . he was lee fucking donghyuck. and in no way was he going to let this new, demonized version of mark lee, scrawny, pale, sensitive, awkward mark lee take his name and his life away from him. 

donghyuck stood up from the couch, deciding he didn’t want this. he didn’t want to long for the affection that past mark gave him when he knew that past mark wasn’t coming back unless something was changed. he had to face the fact that there was a change in mark, a change from the most lovable, dear thing in his life into a beast he was so obsessed with yet so afraid of.

“what are you doing?” mark inquired, looking up at donghyuck standing in front of him. donghyuck turned, nearly cursing at the way mark was looking at him. with those puppy eyes, pleading him to sit back down, because he secretly wanted donghyuck’s company. donghyuck wanted nothing more than to push mark’s glasses back up the bridge of his nose and press a loving kiss against his lips. even if he knew mark would never allow that, donghyuck thought that maybe past mark would’ve let him. no matter the fact that mark was new, and mean, and different, donghyuck tried so hard to love him.

but, with a sigh that felt like it lifted a hundred pounds off of donghyuck’s shoulders, donghyuck decided he was better than this.

_ you knew mark once. this isn’t the mark you knew. you can abandon this one,  _ donghyuck’s mind told him. and that thought overpowered every hopeless, stupid memory that donghyuck was clinging to.

“i don’t know who you are anymore.” donghyuck simply answered, turning away and heading towards his bedroom. 

he heard mark’s voice call out, but he ignored it. he didn’t know who that was.

-

not even two hours later, almost 1 in the morning, donghyuck heard a knocking at the door and he panicked. 

normally, donghyuck would open the door, mark would stumble into the room, sometimes high or drunk, but most of the time just thinking with his dick, and would reach for donghyuck’s lamp, turning it off before going in for a harsh kiss. 

tonight was not a normal night, though, donghyuck acknowledged that. he took a breath in and out. he had a right to defend himself. he owed mark nothing. 

so, donghyuck opened the door, and instead of backing up and letting mark in, he stared at the boy in front of him and they made some of the most intense eye contact donghyuck had ever experienced in his life. 

“what’s wrong with you?” mark asked, glaring up and down at donghyuck. 

and, for the first time in what felt like years, donghyuck tossed his obedient, brainwashed-by-mark thoughts out the window and he sassed mark.  _ sassed him.  _

“what’s wrong with  _ me _ ? nothings wrong with me. you’re the problem here.” donghyuck spat, making sure his frustration was obvious in his voice. 

seeing mark’s eyes widening with shock at donghyuck’s tone was one of the best things donghyuck had experienced in such a long time. he felt, in some odd way, that he had some power within him restored. he no longer felt that dying need to search for the feelings that old mark once gave him. he felt content as himself.

“what do you mean i’m the problem? why are you acting so different?” mark asked, his tone a bit more harsh, yet still whispering considering the whole dorm was asleep. 

donghyuck stared at mark harder. he couldn’t tell if mark was being serious. mark must know that he was someone different now, right? 

“i started acting different when you started acting different.” donghyuck answered simply. mark just looked even more confused. 

“how am i acting different?” mark asked and donghyuck wanted to pull his hair out. he truly couldn’t tell if mark was doing this on purpose, just pushing donghyuck until he says what he wants to hear or if he was really clueless that what he had been doing was wrong. donghyuck swallowed, deciding that there was no way mark was done. there is no way such a drastic change hadn’t been acknowledged by mark himself. and even worse, it was likely that the change was conducted by mark himself.

“you used to tell me you loved me.” donghyuck started with a big statement, getting pure satisfaction out of the utterly shocked look on mark’s face. “but now, you’re not gay. we don’t have a relationship. we never did.” donghyuck said the last part with venom in his voice. 

“we were dumb kids, donghyuck. i said things i didn’t mean. i was confused. get over yourself.” mark scoffed, leaning forward and trying to enter the room, only to be met with a stronger than expected shove from donghyuck.

“you’re lying to yourself and you know it.” donghyuck snapped, getting closer to mark’s face to make his point more clear. “you’re gay, but you refuse to admit it because of some sick, twisted thoughts that have changed the mark i knew into whoever you are now.”

mark stared back at donghyuck. “i’m not gay. like i said. i sleep with you because you’re the easiest relief i can find.” that hurt, donghyuck couldn’t lie. but he pushed the way that made him feel into the back of his mind.

“no.” donghyuck replied. “you sleep with me because you know that you still love me and you’re just trying to reason with yourself, saying it’s not gay. just turning the lights off so you can’t see that i’m a boy is pointless. not saying i love you or moaning my name anymore is pointless. you’re still fucking me. lee donghyuck. a boy. and no matter how bad you try to ignore that, you’ll never be able to. no matter how many different girls you imagine me as, you know they could never be me. lee donghyuck. a boy.”

donghyuck genuinely was shocked after those words left his mouth. he had never put that much thought into that exact subject, so whatever he was saying was coming from deep inside him. from what he knew what was true but would never confess to himself. 

silence filled the air in the following moments. mark’s face was locked in one expression, maybe one of shock, or anger, or regret. donghyuck couldn’t tell anymore. not with new mark.

“fuck you.” mark said. and then he left.

and donghyuck stood there. mark was gone. and donghyuck had told him how he truly felt. 

a strange mixture of relief and sadness washed over donghyuck as he closed his door and crawled back into his bed. he stared blankly up at his ceiling, allowing his mind to revel in whatever odd emotions it was feeling right now. 

donghyuck did cry himself to sleep again, as always. but this time, it wasn’t hot tears of shame. this time, donghyuck welcomed the tears. because he had actually done something. and maybe, just maybe, what he said to mark would bring about a change that was for the better.


	2. two

in the long run, donghyuck and mark’s fight did bring about a change for the better. though, within the next month, things remained rough. everyday was a bit of a struggle for donghyuck, learning how to live and accept himself without mark’s metaphorical grip on him at every moment. 

he and mark ignored each other for the following couple of weeks. if you had asked donghyuck before their argument how he would feel about him and mark not talking for weeks, he would probably would say it would break his heart. he would say it would tear him to pieces, not being with mark. it wasn’t like they were ‘talking’ much before anyways. it was mainly teasing banter around the hyungs, mark’s hurting a bit more, and then donghyuck trying to silence himself as mark used him, as mark had once said donghyuck was always too noisy. so donghyuck got quieter, inside and outside of the bedroom. anything to please mark.

but, after their argument, donghyuck didn’t feel so bad about not talking to mark. it didn’t hurt anywhere near as bad as he would’ve expected. the first couple of days ached, and by the third day without mark, donghyuck longed for some sort of validation. instead of seeking out mark’s roughness, though, donghyuck watched a movie and ate dinner with doyoung and yuta. something he hadn’t done in the last 2 months, too busy getting cornered by mark in his room every night.

“i’m glad our donghyuckie is back.” yuta had smiled, brushing playfully over donghyuck’s freshly dyed brown hair with tiny rainbow streaks. donghyuck picked it himself. he loved it. 

in response, donghyuck had smiled. a true, bright smile that felt so nice to have back. without mark weighing down on him, donghyuck felt new. and clean. and better.

it did hurt, seeing mark around the dorms all the time. but he learned how to deal with it. during group movies nights, they now sat on complete opposite ends of the room, not sparing so much as a glance towards each other. if they passed each other in the kitchen, they said nothing and got no closer to each other than required in the dorms or at dance practice. they did everything at a distance. and donghyuck was perfectly fine with that. 

there were moments, though, where donghyuck was swallowed by some sort of dark beast inside of him, a beast that had zero purpose besides serving mark. he longed, in some disgustingly strange way, to feel mark’s hands on him again, even if they were bruising him.

donghyuck stared at himself, directly in the eyes, in the bathroom mirror late one night, exactly two weeks after he and mark’s fight. tears were pouring from his eyes, the sort of tears he couldn’t stop even if he tried. and then, donghyuck got an idea and ripped his shirt off. 

getting as close as he could to the mirror, donghyuck found where the bruises on his side and ribs from mark’s grip had been. they were still the faintest bit red, and definitely didn’t hurt as much, but they were  _ there _ . donghyuck sickeningly smiled when he found them. 

he watched his hands in the mirror as he laid them perfectly across where mark’s had been. and then he squeezed.  _ hard _ . he watched as his hands tugged the skin, stretching it thin. and donghyuck felt that familiar ache. but it wasn’t enough. he knew that they weren’t mark’s hands. and he wanted them to be. so he squeezed harder, and harder, not noticing at this point that tears were flowing from his eyes even more intensely, not noticing that it was becoming a struggle to breath, and definitely not noticing that he was making some guttural, pained noise as he squeezed, trying to get that feeling back.

the next thing donghyuck knew, he was laying on the bathroom floor, sobs shaking his entire body, his vision fuzzy and his mind hazy. the only thing was aware of was the fact that he was crying, sobbing, gasping for breath with no attempt at keeping quiet. 

he wanted to scream. he wished that he could scream and wail at the top of his lungs, but his throat felt closed up and dry. donghyuck’s hands went up to his hair and he tugged it, harshly, desperately trying to feel something. anything. whatever was closest to how mark made him feel. he pulled at his hair, harder and harder, until he was sure he’d either pull his hair out or pass out from the splitting headache that he had.

donghyuck had never cried like this before, this desperate and pathetic and truly pained, so much on his mind, so ready for something to just end his suffering already, even if it was going back to being used, hit, and squeezed by mark.

donghyuck inhaled deeply, trying to get himself under control but ultimately failing as he let go of his hair, slamming head back against the bathroom wall. hopeless, raw cries were coming from his throat, his sobbing shaking his body even harder. and then the door to the bathroom flew open.

donghyuck’s head flew up, and his hands went straight to wipe the tears from his eyes so he could see who had to see donghyuck looking this  _ pathetic _ .

he saw johnny standing there, in his plaid pajama pants, a look of concern across his face as he entered. when he caught sight of donghyuck, though, the look of concern morphed into immediate fear.

“oh my god.” johnny murmured. johnny, being the caring, gentle giant and amazing guy he was, dropped down onto his knees instantly, pulling donghyuck into a hug. 

at first donghyuck froze in the hug, but not even seconds later, he threw his hands around johnny’s neck, burying his face into johnny’s shoulder as he cried, and cried, and cried, johnny shushing him and rubbing circles on his shirtless back. johnny’s presence was so purely comforting to donghyuck, and it felt so good to feel safe inside someone’s arms for the first time since old mark. 

after what could’ve been minutes, or hours, of relentless and exhausting sobbing, donghyuck finally caught his breath and then raised his head. he immediately noticed taeyong and yuta standing in the doorway, equally concerned looks on their faces. donghyuck leaned back, as far as he could go, to try and get away from their pitiful stares. but they were still there. and they were his hyungs. they loved him so much that he knew he would have to provide some kind of explanation to whatever the hell he has been crying about so hard that it would have woken them up.

donghyuck knew how he must look, still panting from crying so breathlessly, his eyes probably a red and his face sticky from the sheer amount of tears he shed.

“are you okay? are you hurt?” taeyong was the first to break the silence.

donghyuck sniffled and looked up at taeyong. “that’s a loaded question.” he exhaled with a slight chuckle in his voice. taeyong and yuta exchanged a look, probably curious as to why the hell donghyuck would be laughing in his current state. “but. i got out what i needed to get out, so i’m better, i guess.” donghyuck added, glancing back at johnny’s white sleep shirt that now had one shoulder covered in wet spots from donghyuck’s tears.  _ embarrassing.  _

“what were you crying so hard about? it must’ve been bad, hyuck.” yuta asked. donghyuck wondered if any of them noticed his flinch at the nickname.

donghyuck blinked away tears that threatened to slip out, wondering how he could possibly still be producing tears, as he tried to answer yuta’s question. 

“i don’t know who i am without him.” donghyuck answered simply.

he saw similar reactions from the three of them, looks across their faces that could only be described as sympathetically sad.

“i don’t even know who he is anymore.” donghyuck said. “i knew him once.” he added.

he knew tears dripped from his eyelashes, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as he carefully observed the sick-with-sadness looks across all his hyungs faces. they were slightly different, but the exact same premise. 

taeyong’s eyebrows were furrowed, deeply in worry, his wide eyes blinking at something seemingly just out of sight. yuta had tears slipping down his cheeks, his hands rubbing at his eyes. and johnny was simply sitting with his head in his hands, most likely trying to think of what the hell to say to something like that. 

“he heard you first.” johnny muttered, his voice muffled through his hands. donghyuck looked back at him, confused.

“what?” donghyuck asked.

johnny lifted his head, making teary eye contact with donghyuck. “mark heard you crying. he came and woke us up to make sure you were okay.” 

donghyuck swallowed. he didn’t know how he felt about that. the brainwashed-by-mark part of his brain screamed that he cared, he cared enough to go wake up the hyungs. but then the logical part of his brain told him that mark heard him crying but didn’t come help him himself. and he didn’t know which part of his brain he actually believed.

“tell him to come in here.” donghyuck said, glancing up at taeyong. he turned and walked out the door, and donghyuck closed his eyes and inhaled and tried to gather his thoughts, having no idea what he would say or think or feel when he saw mark. 

he felt johnny’s hand rubbing comfortingly against his hand. and he felt a tiny bit better. 

and then mark walked in. 

donghyuck felt his heart sink to the lowest part of his stomach, a heavy weight pushing everything in him down as he stared at mark. whoever the fuck he was now. a villain, an abuser, a manipulative, destructive beast. and donghyuck felt sick. because he knew mark could bend and break him anyway he pleased and at the end of the day he was still so painfully in love with him. 

donghyuck rose to his feet, his body moving without any orders from his mind as he approached mark. the hyungs moved out of the way, but obviously they were painfully curious to see what was about to happen.

he and mark were about a foot away from each other. donghyuck was still shirtless, and he was curious as to if mark noticed the red marks on his ribs from the same spot donghyuck had been bruised weeks before. but of course, since they were only with each other in the dark, mark had never seen the bruises he left all across donghyuck. he simply left them there for donghyuck to wallow in for days. 

donghyuck did not have the mental capacity after crying that hard to come up with anything to say to mark. so he just did as his mind told him. 

donghyuck lifted his hand, and brought it down. he slapped mark across the cheek.  _ hard _ . 

“woah!” donghyuck heard the terrified voice of johnny immediately after the slapping sound rang through the dorm. next thing he knew, donghyuck was being pulled back, his arms behind his back, by johnny. he didn’t try to pull forward, or get away, or hit mark again. now, he just wanted to see how mark reacted to donghyuck doing something to him.

donghyuck watched carefully as mark stumbled from the slap, which, to be honest, gave donghyuck’s ego a little boost. he saw mark’s hand go to cradle his face before he glanced back up, and through the shadows that mark’s black hair cast across his face, he saw mark looking… completely calm.

donghyuck didn’t know how he wanted mark to react, but whenever the older boy simply lifted his head and brushed a hand through his hair, seemingly unbothered, donghyuck decided that was not the reaction that he had wanted.

“why aren’t you mad?” donghyuck asked quietly, suddenly aware of how raw and worn out his voice was. 

“i’ve hurt you more than you could possibly hurt me.” mark replied. 

donghyuck stared at him, not believing what he’s hearing. did mark just… admit to doing something wrong? what kind of alternate dimension had donghyuck been transported to?

donghyuck had no clue how to react after mark said that. he simply stood there for a moment, licked his lips, and turned and walked out of the bathroom. 

he didn’t know if mark, or anyone, even said anything once he was in the hallway. all he knew was that the moment he left the bathroom, he felt the heavy weight of exhaustion pushing down on him from every angle. so donghyuck, dragging his body along with him, collapsed into his bed, everything heavy and sad, yet somehow feeling some sort of relief. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, feedback is bliss!


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